ode to... the clients from hell

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A potential client e-mailed me some documents related to his project.  I told him that I would not be able to take on his project at this time.
Client: “Then you need to e-mail me back the documents.  They have trade secrets in them.”
Me: “Your privacy is important to me, I’ll make sure to delete them from my hard drive.”
Client: “No. Send them back so that I can make sure that you don’t have them anymore.”
So, I e-mailed them back to him and he was satisfied.

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[I’m not a designer but the attorney hired by a designer. I’m informing the client over the phone that he’s being sued for not paying the amount specified.]
Me: “Good afternoon, my name is [xxx], representing [designer] and [company]. We’re calling about payment that has not yet been received for a project which you agreed to pay for.”
Client: “What?! Who’s suing me?! Who is this?”
Me: “As I said, my name is [xxx], representing [designer] and [company]. You have X,XXX.XX that was supposed to be paid several months ago, as agreed upon by a contract with my clients.”
Client: “Are you suing me for a website? You’re not making any damn sense!”
Me: “You owe someone a fair deal of money and you’ve made it very clear that you have no intention of paying. I have several emails from your email address responding to my clients with messages such as “sayonara, suckers” and I am calling to see if you’d like to pay your fees now, or if we need to bring this into a courtroom, which I’m sure we’re all looking to avoid.”
Client: “I don’t know who this is or what the hell you want from me but listen up: fooling someone to make you a website isn’t a crime!”
Me: “You’re actually looking at some large fines and — should this be considered a felony — jail time.”
Client: “You’re a damn lawyer, you should know websites aren’t real. A website isn’t a thing, you can’t steal it! [designer] can still look at it, it’s still kinda his!”
[Within three days time, the designer received a check with the amount listed and an additional $20.00 “for your asshole lawyer boyfriend.” The designer had to resist framing the check for the novelty.]

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"I can’t pay you very much but I can give you a lot of work."

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Client: “Excellent work, we love what you’ve done with the site! Actually, would it be too much trouble to send me the original?”
Me: “The original?”
Client: “You know, the site on paper, before you scanned it in.”

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"I would do it, but I don’t know the Photoshop."

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"We want to know for sure who we are dealing with here. After registration, users need to send a copy of their passport or identification to us by mail."

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Client: “Why is the photo grainy? It looks terrible on your flyer.”
Me: ”You sent me a zoomed in photo of the hamburger using the camera on your BlackBerry. They’re 3 mpx at the most.”
Client: ”Not sure what mpx is, but if it’s like mph, then the photo wasn’t moving. The burger was on a plate. On a table. Not moving.”

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"I’m not able to open PDF files - I don’t use a Mac. Luckily, my assistant was able to open your PDF, print it, scan it and save it as a JPG. I have to say, the colors you’ve chosen are horrible. Everything looks muddy. But I do like how the whole picture is slanted; it looks totally MTV."

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Client: “We see that you’ve listed “project management” on the invoice. We won’t be needing that. We’ll be in direct contact with the designer, so an additional party won’t be necessary. We also don’t need “art direction.” I know exactly what we want and what the project entails, so I will act as the artistic director. We also won’t need any revisions, the designer should get it right the first time, that’s just how we expect to do business. Please update the invoice and we’ll pass on the deposit.”

Needless to say, I didn’t follow-up.

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 “Thanks for sending the files over, I was able to download them, but my computer is not MP3-able. My computer is a Sony Vaio, so could you please send them over in VAIO format? Thanks.”

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Client: We have looked at your PHP source code and I am a little upset.
Me: Why is that? What’s wrong?
Client: You have used die(); everywhere, do you secretly want me to die?

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[I was contracted to do the design of a brochure of which, I was told, there would be 5000 copies.]
Client: “The art on the brochure is being cut off around all sides, and a big white border is surrounding the whole piece. I am surprised you let this happen, fix immediately.”
Me: “I was told that your print vendor can handle full bleed. Can you give me their phone number so that I can talk to them about specs?”
Client: “Phone number? My printer doesn’t have a phone number, it is just sitting on my desk. It’s a Cannon All-in-one, if that helps.”



/more clients from hell/